So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
