dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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