I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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