just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
