You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
