i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
