OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
True strength comes from lack of pants
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
