Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Jerry, you need to find god
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Randomize
