Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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