i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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