Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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