i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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