You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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