after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
3 2 1 whiskey
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
