Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
