Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
