I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize