I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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