I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
