they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
