i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
