now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
