I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
