The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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