i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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