All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
