You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
