here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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