some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
