dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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