five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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