The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
