I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
