All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize