And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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