so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
he fucked my hip out of place.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize