I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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