It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
