i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
My feet surprised me
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