If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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