She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
