I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
