I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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