Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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