remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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