I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
