if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Verdict: uncircumcised.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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