No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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