When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He has the fingertips of a God
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
