don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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