fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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