I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
