so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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