Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize