You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
