Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Randomize
