my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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