youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
