Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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