The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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