Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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