4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
it's great music for shaving your balls
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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